The Completely Real, 100% Accurate Biography of Michael Palin)

(well.... maybe not)

By Jess

We must examine you, sweetie

Michael Palin was born sometime during the Middle Ages. It's actually hard to pin down when exactly since the records were so poor back then; we do know that he was born sometime between 435 and 1240 A.D. He was born to Lancelot of the Lake and his mistress Elaine of Corbenic. His Christian name was Galahad, but out of disdain for his father he chose to refer to himself as Michael.

Galahad - er, Michael - was taken in by his grandmother and was raised at the abbey until he was a teenager. He was summoned by a mysterious old man to appear before King Arthur's court at Camelot when he was fifteen years old. Before he left to go to Camelot, he was to be made a knight by his father. However, seconds before this happened, a loud unearthly voice warned Lancelot not to let this happen if he cared for his life. Father and son parted their separate ways, never to see each other again until much later.

Michael wandered from village to village, doing odd jobs. One fateful day when he was in his early thirties, a strange band of knights led by a king named Arthur approached him. Among these knights was his father Lancelot, but because the quite plain, undesirable-looking boy had turned into a very handsome young man, Lancelot had no idea that this was his son. The king informed Michael of the band's search for the elusive Holy Grail. Michael, being quite lonely and thirsty for adventure, obliged. He was then made a knight by King Arthur. However, because he didn't want to be discovered by his father, he was dubbed Sir Galahad...because of his time spent in the abbey, he was sworn to chastity and became known as Sir Galahad the Pure.

For a while, Michael's experiences were fairly uneventful. One night he struck out on his own, and saw a vision of the Grail above a strange castle. It turned out to be the infamous Castle Anthrax, peopled by 150 young girls seeking the attentions of any male that crossed their path. He was about to give in to their lustful desires when his father appeared and made an impromptu rescue.

After about a year, Michael and the rest had gotten close to finding the Holy Grail. They had been given clues which led them to a treacherous bridge aptly titled "the Bridge of Death." It was guarded by a troll-like bridgekeeper. After being stumped by the bridgekeeper's riddles, poor Michael was cast into the Gorge of Eternal Peril below. Many feared he was dead, but he only suffered a few cuts and bruises, as well as a sprained ankle. He decided this was all a waste of time and abandoned his search for the Grail.

Today he lives in a village on the outskirts of Camelot with his wife Morgause and son Gareth. He is a renowned silversmith famous for his sturdy chastity belts.


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