While I Was Shopping: Part 6

The lighting was set, the props had arrived unscathed, the costumes were adorned and Eric was leaning back in his chair as the marriage guidance counsellor sporting a suit and his wavy hair combed back and gelled so it wouldn’t spring off his head as it had a tendency to do sometimes.

The audience had arrived and were sitting expectantly eager, talking in hushed whispers as Terry scampered from camera to camera, chatted stiltedly with Ian MacNaughton and bounded around changing rooms, hustling the others to hurry up.

Chelsea looked at herself in the mirror. Her voice had packed in completely and she could no longer whisper or even squeak. Her voice had disappeared and she really wished it would come back.

Having arrived a little late she’d been rushed straight into the female changing rooms before she’d even had a chance to speak to any of the guys, and she knew that Michael was definitely going to be there today. It was filming day today, there was no way he’d be allowed to miss it, not after the way Terry had been going at it the other day at rehearsal.

Pushing on her blonde wig Chelsea grimaced at herself in the mirror. The dress they’d supplied her with was at least two sizes too small and showed her chest, her legs and made her feel very uncomfortable, but she flicked over the scene in her mind and knew that her character demanded this kind of attire.

Stepping into her high-heeled shoes she practised a few faces in the mirror and smiled at herself as the makeup lady came to apply her lipstick, rouge and false eyelashes.

Nerves were nowhere to be seen, except those she reserved for the shock she was going to give Michael by turning up on his set. She was pretty sure he had no idea that they were co-workers, and she really couldn’t understand how they’d never noticed. The only name she remembered the guys referring to him as was Palin, and she was pretty sure they’d never told her what he looked like, where he shopped, or what car he drove.

She couldn’t talk on behalf of Michael but she realised that somehow they’d missed each other in the mix and were suddenly going to be thrown together in front of a room full of people. Perhaps in her guise Michael wouldn’t even recognise her.

The door swung open and Terry stuck his head through the gap. “Ready Chelsea?” he asked.

She nodded and turned around, flashing what she hoped was a cutesy smile.

Terry gaped at her, noticing her long toned legs straight away, her bust poking out of the small dress, her high heels making her seem even sexier than he had hoped when he had seen the dress without her in it.
 
The makeup lady grinned. “I think you’ll do.” She said and ushered Chelsea out.

Terry led her out onto the set and immediately catcalls rang through the studio, Eric stopped swinging on his chair and watched as she approached, tottering on her high heels, legs up to her neck and his trouser area quivering gently.

She certainly was a sight for sore eyes, and as she stepped onto the floor of Eric’s office he leant quickly forward so she wouldn’t see how turned on by her he was. He smiled genially and she smiled back, feeling more confident now that he’d responded to her.

The door behind her opened and she turned slightly to see a scruffy gentleman approach. He was wearing a funny little moustache, a scruffy tie and a suit that was two sizes small for him and gave him half mast trousers as well as sleeves riding up his arms. His shoes were scuffed and his hair slicked down with gel, and as she looked up at his face she saw round glasses perched on his nose.

Despite the attire she recognised him instantly and couldn’t help but smile.

Meanwhile Michael was gaping at the beautiful figure before him as he stepped into the studio. The guys hadn’t lied when they’d said she was more like a model than some they’d hired, and her curves were pronounced perfectly in the dress they’d kitted her out in.

Michael looked her over and smiled. She’d do very well, and if she could act as well as they said she could he’d be over the moon. He saw her face only for a moment and thought there was something familiar about it, but she quickly turned away from him, and he thought perhaps she was a little nervous. After all they didn’t know each very well at all.

The audience was called to a hush and Chelsea felt her nerves calm to simmer, knowing they were entirely because her co-actor was Michael.

The camera light went on and Michael burst into the sketch. It went well. Michael obviously hadn’t realised who she was yet, and as the sketch progressed she forgot he was there, as Eric leant over her, touching her leg, his face inches from hers.

Chelsea was soon distracted by Michael pointing at her and saying in a squeaky voice “that’s my wife”. She tried not to blush and hid behind her wig.

Instead she looked at Eric, smiling in her character, and felt something sticking out of Eric’s trousers, and realised quickly what it was. She tried to keep a focus but she could feel Eric’s erection as he touched her body, kissing her arms and ignoring Michael’s character completely.
 
When they broke away she noticed his awkward leanings as she headed for the screen and scuttled around, hiding herself and beginning to throw the other set of clothes over the top, provoking giggles and titters from the audience.

Eric meanwhile was undressing in front of Michael and the audience to hoots of laughter and as he leapt around the screen she noticed him turn his back instantly on her.

The sketch reeled out and the audience hooted as a ten tonne weight was dropped on Michael.

The camera’s switched off and Eric turned to Chelsea with an embarrassed smile.

“I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable back there.” He said. “It’s just you looked very fetching in that dress and, well a man’s a man.” He said and quickly scrambled for his clothing around the screen.
 
Chelsea sat back on the chair behind her and sighed. That’s all she needed. Attractive to everyman and his dog in the group. She hated to think what it would do to Eric when he found out Michael was the one she wanted.

She was about to stand up when a dishevelled Michael peered around the screen and smiled at her.

“I’m Michael.” He said and held out his hand, and as she took it his expression changed to one of shocked recognition.

“Oh my God.” He said as he looked at her.

Chelsea shrugged an ‘I’m as surprised as you are’ look and he was about to speak when Terry poked his head around the screen and Michael leapt away from her.

“You two getting to know each other now? Good! Next scene please!”

And with that he carted Chelsea off to another set, leaving Michael’s bewildered face watching their departure.

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Filming that day had seemed to have taken longer than usual with words missed out, forgotten and lines said incorrectly. Terry wouldn’t have minded so much if he could’ve blamed it on the new girl, but as Chelsea’s voice had departed her for the moment he was left with one person to point the blame at over a brief cup of tea during the filming of another sketch.

Michael was distracted; his eyes flickered from the set to his cup, to Terry and back again. He sighed and shrugged answers to questions and murmured replies. This wasn’t a Michael Terry was used to, and he knew that something had affected him badly for him to behave in such a way. He didn’t act like a recluse, he didn’t murmur, he wasn’t noncommittal. This was Michael Palin and he was acting like someone had died.

Terry found this nervously amusing. It would, of course, be ironic if someone had died and Michael had been unable to tell them because they were always badgering him about being late, working the wrong hours, being away or generally not turning up when he should.

“Michael what’s happening with you lately?”

There was that shrug again and Terry found himself getting slightly angry. Dead relative or no dead relative Michael would not get away with fobbing him off. Where had the Michael that shared everything with him gone?

“I’d like an answer that didn’t involve you being so noncommittal please.” Michael looked up from his tea. Terry went on. “Like, some physical movement of the mouth in motions other than grumbling.”

Michael looked slightly apologetic and placed his cup on the table, leaning back in his directors’ chair.

“Sorry Terry. Just not feeling so great today that’s all.”

Terry looked worriedly at his friend. “I thought we were good mates Mike. I didn’t think there’s anything I didn’t know about you, but I can see from your face that you’ve been keeping something from me. What should I think about that?”

Michael looked shame-facedly into his lap. “I’m sorry. I got caught up in the whole whirlwind and haven’t found it so easy to come back to earth.”

Terry screwed up his nose. “What are you talking about?”

“Nothing really.” Michael said as he glanced back to the stage. Terry caught him looking.

“She’s pretty good don’t you think?”

Michael nodded, gulping his dry throat clear.

“Shame none of us can touch her.” Terry said. “Eric’s been drooling over her ever since she arrived.”

Michael cast a glance over to the edge of the set where Eric was watching the practises intently. His eyes flickered up and down Chelsea and Michael felt himself grow hot and angry.

“He’s married anyway.” Michael growled and Terry looked closely at his friend. Something really was bugging him and unless Mike told him what it was he was going to be very much in the dark about it.

“No harm in looking though eh?” he asked gently and Mike turned to him, threw back the rest of his tea and stalked off towards the dressing room.

John sat down as Mike left and nodded after him. “What’s wrong with him then?”

Terry shrugged. “Who knows. I certainly don’t. He doesn’t tell me anything anymore. All this business with his family has really gotten him down, and then there’s this extra something he isn’t saying about. He got really mad when I started talking about Eric fancying Chelsea and not being able to have her.”

“Perhaps he’s found someone and can’t be with her either.” Said John thoughtfully. It would explain the weird mood swings, the anger about Eric and Chelsea. I don’t know Mike as well as you, but I’ve definitely never seen him this tense. He’s usually so nice and laid back.”

Terry nodded. “I know. I endeavour to find it all out before next week. We really can’t go on filming things with him in such a grump because it comes out badly, it loses fluidity and he looks stiff.”

John winked and Terry grimaced. “Don’t be silly John.”

They smiled at each other; glad the serious conversation had subsided. As a pair they often found it hard to talk to each other frankly, particularly as they both had fairly strong ideas about what they thought was right. It was a rare moment for them to speak as friends rather than opposing forces. Terry smiled at this as John folded his arms and sat back in his chair. It was so strange how two people could be so friendly to each other one moment, and the next be biting each others heads off about a subject they both felt passionate about. It always amused the other Pythons about Terry and John’s inexcusable behaviour once they started a fight. Terry had even thrown a chair at John once in his outrage, and that episode had been relived over and over much to both of their chagrin.

Now sitting in comfortable silence together the two most passionate Python’s discovered something new about their friendship, and John was stunned to realise that no matter how much they hated each other over one subject, when it came to each other as people they were the most caring, loving, respectful and understanding friends he’d ever had, and he was always pleasantly surprised about the new things he discovered about them all the time.

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Michael stomped back to his dressing room, aware that Terry had been trying to get him to talk about what was bothering him, and knowing that if he told him everything he’d feel hurt for Michael not telling him in the first place. And anyway, since he’d been seeing Chelsea, he hadn’t needed to tell Terry because his sounding board had been her.

He shut the door with a little less anger and rested his head against Eric’s high back chair he’d insisted on putting the room.

Closing his eyes he tried to remember a time when he’d been without family problems, without Chelsea and the love that he felt flowing from every pore in his body draining him of energy. He smiled as he remembered childhood holidays when his sister was a bright, bubbly and extremely attractive young woman, when he’d been building sand castles and playing with the girls that threw their beach balls too close to his masterpiece.

The memories wafted over him like ocean waves. He could still see the ice creams, the tan lines, he could remember the first time he’d met each of the guys from Python, remembered his first stage performance at Oxford, and of course the first night the lads sat down and wrote the first episode of Monty Python’s Flying Circus.

He grinned when he recalled the drinks, the jokes, the laughs, the tears from the laughs and the jokes. It all seemed so far away now that they were finally on the big screen. It was work, work, work, and although their imaginations were still running wild with ideas and inspirations, it was as though they’d had to grow up in a way.

Michael opened his eyes and stared at the ceiling. He was feeling miserable that’s all. No wonder he was recalling family holidays with the hazy glow of happiness when really he’d had some really miserable ones with his Dad too. Not everything was as rosy as some people made it out to be.

And now, of course, on top of his sister’s disappearance and illnesses, he had love to contend with. A forbidden love in many ways.

Michael groaned. What were the odds that you met a beautiful woman in a supermarket miles from the town, fall in love with her, share your problems with her, tell her you love her and then find out the whole time she’s been auditioning for a job you’d employ her for and then for her to actually get the role, only to have your feelings squashed by a “lets not get friendly with the staff” rule that you actually instigated?

It was typical that Eric fancied her too. It was just typical, because now Michael knew he wouldn’t get a look in. Eric was one of those men that, despite his wife and how unhappy his marriage was, he wouldn’t get divorced without a completely good reason. And whilst still married he would charm the pants off all the models, and eventually end up sleeping with them at every possible chance.

Eric was a ladies man, no doubt about it. He was smooth, witty, cutesy and of course good- looking. He instilled confidence in you, he was friendly, open, honest and terribly naughty when he wanted to be, and Michael knew the women flocked to him just as flies do to shit.

He grinned at his own analogy. If only Eric knew what he was thinking right now.

He looked from the ceiling back to fully view the dressing room.

Eric looked back at him.

“Hey Mike.” He said.

Michael felt his throat collapse. How did he not notice Eric come in and stand right in the middle of the room?

“Hi Eric. What’s up?”

Eric shrugged. “Not a lot. Filming has gone all right so far today.”

Michael nodded.

“What do you think to the new girl?” Eric asked in a slightly strangled voice.

Michael shrugged noncommittally. “I haven’t really had a chance to speak to her yet.” He said.

Eric nodded. “Her acting is superb though isn’t it?”

“Yeah she’s alright.”

“What scenes do you have with her next?”

Michael perused his discarded script. “I don’t have any now until next week I think. I know Terry’s been on about the Dirty Fork sketch – I think she’s in that one.”

There was a strange silence between the two men now, usually so at home in each other’s company. Eric looked slightly wild of eye and Michael looked tired and worn out, emotionally and physically.

“Are we still sticking to that pact thing?” Eric said as he leant against the doorframe.

Michael knew this was crunch time. How could he say no and let Eric go off after the woman he loved? This was a hard choice to make, but ultimately didn’t he know that’s what he had to do? Chose between losing his girlfriend and losing his friends? He couldn’t very well say that they had to keep the pact and run off with her himself could he? Wouldn’t that be against everything they’d ever agreed on?  Michael watched Eric watching him, and he knew what he would have to say.

“Of course we are. You know the rules Eric. No members of staff as girlfriends.”

Eric nodded. “I know but sometimes it’s so hard not to be attracted to someone.”

“You also have your wife to think about.” Michael said. What was it with married people? The only person he knew that was married and happy was Terry!

Again Eric nodded and sloped off out of the dressing room. It was done now. It was going to be hard to face, but ultimately Michael was going to have to tell Chelsea they couldn’t see one another any more, and as hard as that was going to be, he had to do it, not only to save himself, but to save the programme too.