Mr. Green

by Utena
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"Today on it's the Mind. Déjà vu." Says Michael Palin as he does the sketch for one last time.

"Cut and print! Ok guys, I think that is a wrap for tonight" the director said as the end of the day approached. The guys from Monty Python's Flying Circus were dead tired as they finally taped some of their sketches for use for their live show on Sunday.

"I am famished," he said as he walked off the set with his hand on his stomach.

"Ere Mike!" said his good friend Terry Jones as he threw a nice, juicy, ripen pear at his direction. Mike caught it and his facial
expression of disgust overcame his face.

"Ewww… what … Terrence!?"

"Mike…I hate it when you call me Terrence!" said Terry as he approached him.

"Ackk… why did you give me a pear…. You know how much I hate them. They are green, yucky looking. I haven't eaten all day, so I don't have nothing to throw up to!"

"C'mon Mike, look at the pear, feel the pear, treat the pair as a woman."

"Acckkk feck Terry please you are making me feel ill!"

Terry laughed at his face, as he ate the pear. "MMMMMMMM nice juicy woman!"

Mike’s face grew green as he saw Terry eat the pear. After he gobbled it all down, he said, "Oi Mike, let's go to dinner. I am hungry for something hot"

"Hungry? Again? You just ate a whole pear!" said Mike as he began to poke Terry's belly and giggled to himself and said "Suit yourself tubby! Lets go… "

"TUBBY!!!! You @#$%#$%"

After saying goodbye to their Python mates, Terry and Mike went to this posh Italian restaurant around the corner from the BBC. They found a table and the waiter took their orders. Two plates of Fettuccini Alfredo. As they waited, they began talking about their girlfriends and about the concept of the sketch that they wrote, déjà vu.

"Déjà vu" said Terry.

"Come again?" replied Mike with a smirk.

"Déjà vu!!" said Terry in a loud voice.

"Come again?"

"Déjà vu!!!!!!!" shouted Terry in his high pitched welsh accent.

"Ummm come again?" said Mike as he giggled some more.

"Now stop it! You silly cunt!" said Terry Jones as he folded his arms.

For the next 15 minutes, Mike was still laughing at Terry.

"Cool it Mike, they'll throw us out if here, if you keep laughing like a nun getting her first spanking!"

"Excuse me Terry…" says Mike quite surprised… then finds that there is a copy of `Spank Nun' magazine peeking out of the inside Terry's jacket pocket. He tries to fix his eyes into the magazine's small print as Terry was trying to get the waiter's attention so he can order a drink.

"In this…ehhhh issue…ten sure fire ways to convince a nun to put her cross in her…"

"EEEEEEEP" squeaked Terry as Mike read the magazine and threw the magazine out of the window.

"Oi! Terry! What did ya do that for!?"

"Ummmm nevermind…. Why don't you like pears Mike? They haven't done anything to you to hate them."

"Don't try to change the subject nun boy!"

"Nun boy!?!?" squeaked Terry in his cute welsh voice. "I don't know what you are talking about. Anyway Mike why don't you like pears?"

Mike looked at Terry with a peculiar look. "Ummm well I don't like `cause I don't. There."

"That doesn't explain it Mike… there must be a more suitable explanation for it".

"I don't wanna talk about it. It was a childhood trauma thing".

"Childhood trauma Mike? Strange…c’mon I am your mate for years why don't you wanna talk about it?"

"No" said Mike quietly.

"Yes" replied Terry with a sneaky smile.

"No!" Mike's voice said it a li’l higher.

"YES" Terry yelped.

"NO!" Mike slammed his fist on the table.

"YES YES YES YES YES YES!!!" as Terry slammed his fist on the table.

"NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!! " screamed as Mike as he stood up. "I USED TO HAVE A PEAR WHEN I WAS A CHILD AND IT USED TO SING ME TO SLEEP!!! SATISFIED JONES!!!" said Mike in a loud voice causing the whole restaurant to look his way. Terry's mouth was hanging out.

"Ahem…sorry folks…please get back into stuffing your FACES…ahem sorry folks" said Mike as he sat down. "I need water" and he drank the whole water jug in one go.

"Mike. Are you all right?" asked Terry with concern. "Sorry for pressuring ya mate. I was only making fun of you"

"Yes yes I am… ummm don't worry about it Jones. Ya got what ya wanted to hear" and Mike sighed. He stood up to go to the washroom. He washed his face and looked at his agitated reflection. He started to think about the lil pear friend that he used to have when he was a lil kid. It used to sing him some Ethel Merman and some Frank Sinatra tunes like: "There is no Business" and "New York, New York". Mike smiled and sighed. He was happy about those childhood memories until that day when he saw his father eat his pear friend. Mike was never the same again. A lil tear came upon Mike's face as he thought about that terrible moment. He wiped them away and sighed as he got out of the washroom and back to their table. Terry seemed to have recovered the "Spank Nun" magazine while Mike was away. His face was buried in it, as his eyes were pasted to them.

As he approached the table, he said "You know Jones. It's bad manners reading in the table."

Terry leaped and threw the magazine out of the window again as Mike sat down. "Feeling better Mike?" said Terry as he broke in cold sweat.

"I am all right mate. Thanks for asking. Perhaps the stress of the show is getting to me," and drank his wine and that relaxed him.

The waiter approached their table with their meals. He placed Terry's meal first and then Michael's. Two Fettuccini Alfredo's for two hungry Brits, a spanking nun loving Welshman and a pear crazed Englishman. Perfect!

Terry starting eating like a starved child. Mike was kind of grossed out about his table manners. So, Mike looked into his meal and sighed. He wasn't that hungry anymore. He sipped his wine and looked back into the plate.

There was a pear! It sprouted legs and hands and a guitar magically appeared and began to sang in a lil Alvin like chipmunk voice "There is no…business like show business … like no…"

Mike's eyes almost leaped out of his sockets. He drank the whole bottle of wine and looked back his plate, no pear, just his dinner. He closed his eyes and heard the lil voice again, "Hello Mike…It's Mr. Green! Your old pear friend! Remember this tune…" and started to sing " Start spreading…" With that, a loud thump was heard across the restaurant. Mike fainted.

"Wake up Mike" said Terry as he tried to wake him…slapping Mike's face lightly. A waiter came up and poured a whole jug of water to Mike's face. He woke up saying "Mr. Green… Mr. Green… Ethel Merman…No more No more…"

"Ethel Merman? Mr. Green? Are you all right?" said Terry with concern for his best friend.

Mike opened his eyes and all he saw was Terry's and the waiter's faces turned into pears and said "Ello Mike, remember me Mr. Green?!"

Mike started to scream and then he leaped up and ran off out the restaurant as if was being chased by a killer. He was running from a pear, Mr. Green, his old childhood friend. Terry trailed behind him. Trying to reach Mike, but he lost him halfway. It was too late. Mike was running through the streets of London shouting and panting "Mr. Green! Stop following me!"

Mike sprinted till he got to his flat. Opened the door and shut it making sure that every lock was secure. He panted and slid to the floor trying to catch his breath. Strangely enough he started to suck his thumb. He got up and decided to take a bath to calm himself. Stripping down and getting into the warm tub, he sank into the soapy suds and tried to relax. His mind was cleared. Then all of a sudden, a weird sound, "Start spreading the newsssssssssss…I want to be part of it…NEW YORK…NEW YORK… "

"Bloody HELL!" he swore as he looked down and saw Mr. Green with his guitar playing the ol Frank Sinatra tune floating in a lil boat in the middle of the tub. Mike rubbed his eyes, making sure that it wasn't a dream. He was dead wrong. The pear stopped singing and smiled looking up at him from the lil blue boat and said:

"Hello Mikey! Hoooooooow are you doing? Remember me??? It's me your old friend Mr. Green!!! Remember all those good nights when I sang you the Pauper song! And then you fell asleep like a lil boy! Awwwwww Mikey…remember" and the pear smiled from ear to ear.

Mike was speechless. He couldn't believe what was going on. Then the pear looked down; and saw his um "thing" and said "My Mikey! How much you've grown!"

Mike yelped and covered his privates. "Listen ummmm Mr. Green. What do you want from me? I thought you were dead! Remember that my father ate you and I never saw you again."

"Well Mikey, I didn't die! I just moved on. Children around the world need me to sing them to sleep eeeeeeeeeerverynighttttttttttt I came back to you `cause you NEEEEEEEEEED me Mike. I missed you! Remember those nights when I used to rope ya up like a hog and tie you up to the ceiling while I sing show tunes from Damn Yankees!" said Mr. Green is his strange cowboy southern drawl. And threw him his magic rope on Mike landing him on his neck. It was strangling him! Making him choke, gasping for breath. Leaping out of the bath, naked, with the rope around his neck and Mr. Green at the end of it, dangling, yelling, "Yeeeehawwwww!! Weeheee Mikey! Go Boy!! Yahoooo!!!"

Mike made it to the kitchen, hacking and coughing, taking the rope and the pear and slammed it against the cutting table. He reached for a long, sharp cutting knife. And cut the rope off in a snap. Mr. Green was lying down on the cutting table laughing his green lil peary ass off with his eyes closed.

Mike sighed and looked at the euphorically tickled pear and then looked at the knife. He double glanced it and a sneaky lil grin overcame his face. "Say Mr. Green. Want to play a new game?"

"Yeehaw! Buckaroo! Sure I'll play a game. I LOOOVE games!"

"Okay. The name of the game is Balance and Jump. All you have to do balance on this here blade and jump as high as you can only once and you'll win a prize!"

"Ummm geez buckaroo. I dunno….I never have played this game before. Is it fun?" said Mr. Green with concern.

"Of course it is…trust me old pal! Climb up and on the count of three jump" said Mike mockingly. Clearly enough the pear didn't know was it was going to do.

So the pear climbed up the blade, all giggly and smiley, and he was ready. Mike started the count. "One…Two and…Thhhh…" beads of sweat covered his brow as he shouted "THREE!"

"Mike! Baby! Are you home babes? " shouted his live in girlfriend Alison as she came into the flat.

"Mmmmmmm I am here babes, in the kitchen" said a naked Mike sitting on a chair near the cutting table, with his mouth full as he closed his eyes tasting something sweet in his mouth.

"Mike? Babes? What are you eating?"

"A yummy lil pear sweetheart. Want some?"

"I thought you hated pears babe. No, I don't want one".

"Well. I used to, but I guess I don't now" said Mike as he started to hum some Frank Sinatra tune. Then he looks at his lovely girlfriend and growls sexily. Grins and hops on her back saying "YEEHAW!" as they staggered into their bedroom.

Morale of the story: Whatever you do, never eat a pear that sings Ethel Merman nor Frank Sinatra tunes. Perhaps your sex life might improve, but if someone comes with a knife to play "Balance and Jump" RUN! ^.^