Michael Palin's Planet of the Apes Adventure

by Cheri

The Year is 2328....

Michael (talking to camera) Hello and welcome to Michael Palin's Space Adventure. I'm here with the crew aboard the Promethius, A freighter bound for the planet Astoroth. Passpartout and I have been given permission to travel along with the crew as they carry raw materials to the main base on Astoroth. This ship is just one of many who travel to Astoroth every year.

Michael comes upon an escape pod...

Michael: This is I understand, an escape pod, used for emergencies. It can fit up to 5 people inside. Lets take a look, shall we? (climbs into pod and whispers) This is extrordinary. It's amazing what human ingenuity and know how can do! (notices big red button) Hmmm, I wonder what this does....

Shuttle alarm beeps and front hatch begins to close

Michael (with sheepish grin) ooops, I guess I shouldn't have done that.

As the pod jettisons out of the spaceship, we hear a tiny aaaaaaaah coming from the pod...

Michael: I guess I shouldn't have pushed that button, now we are in the blackness of space. It looks like we are heading for a big nebula. I've noticed too that Passpartout has crapped all over the floor of the pod and is white as a sheet. I guess that was quite a shock being jettisoned out of the ship, eh mates?

A hand appears in front of the camera heading for Michaels neck. As Michael turns towards the camera, the hand shoots back out of view.

Michael: It appears we are going to go through the nebula now. Hang on mates!

The ship begins to rock violently and starts to descend towards a planet. Michael turns towards the camera with a big grin on his face.

Michael: Wheeee! This is quite a ride!

As Michael turns back to look out the window, the hand appears again with a noose. As the hand starts to slip the noose over Michaels neck, the ship crashes into a swamp.
Michael opens the pod

Michael (soaking wet) Well we've seen to have crash landed on this strange planet, and I'm wet. I guess we should try to find out where we are!

Michael climbs out of the pod and begins to walk through a dense forest

Michael: What thick folliage!

Michael hears shouts and screams and turns around to see a bunch of primitively dressed humans running past him.

Michael: Ahh, the locals! (pulling over a panicking girl) Hello I'm Michael! How are you?

The girl stares blankly and motions behind her

Michael: (grinning) What is this, some kind of local custom? I've never been to this planet before. Can you tell me about it?

The girl stares at Michael as she tries to pull away.

Finally, She bites him hard on the hand.

Michael: Owww (pulls hand back as girl escapes) She bit me! (He grins at the camera) I guess she doesn't understand english!

Passpartout screams as Apes on horseback appear. They frantically try to run as humans in front of them are knocked down.

Michael: (behind them) Wait, chaps! Where are you going? Ooof ...

Michael and Passpartout are in a cage with other humans going towards the village

Michael (turning to old man) Hello I'm Michael Palin, Where are we going?

Old man: They are taking us to the ape city!

Michael: Jolly good!! Is that the capital of this planet?

The old man gives him an odd look and turns away.

Michael grins at the camera

Michael: Charming fellow!

Groans can be heard behind the camera

The cart grinds to a halt in the ape city

Michael: What a quaint city !

Michael gasps as a metal collar snaps around his neck and he is dragged out of the cart.

Limbo: Get em out and get em clean!

Michael (turning towards Limbo) Hello I'm Michael Palin. We are shooting a documentary. Can you tell me about this city?

Limbo stares at Michael with his mouth hanging open. He shoves Michael into a building

Limbo: Get in there, stupid human!!

Michael is standing, naked, in a line of humans

Michael (whispering) Well, here I am in some sort of line. It looks like some sort of bath. I don't want to be the odd man out so I will go along with it!

Michael is shoved into a corner where a hose is turned on him.

Michael: I say, chaps. This waters awful cold! Can you turn up the heat a bi...

The ape turns the hose on Michaels mouth.

Michael (grinning at the ape) Thanks, I needed a drink of water!

The ape rolls his eyes as he shoves Michael out the back door into a courtyard

Michael (holding his genitals) Awful breezy today!

All the humans scream as General Thade leaps into the courtyard and starts walking among the humans, pushing them down and hitting them. He walks up to Michael and glares at him

Michael (extending his hand) Hello! I'm Michael Palin. We're filming a documentary! What's your na...

He is shoved violently to the ground as Thade forces open his mouth

Thade: Is there a soul in there?

Michael: wah wah wah wah

Thade (letting go of Michaels mouth) What was that?

Michael: I said You're hurting my mouth!

Thade: (with mock concern) Awwww poor baby! You know there are worse things that can happen to you than someone holding your mouth open!

Michael: (curious) Really? What?

Thade grabs Michael's Testicles and squeezes as hard as he can

Thade: This!!!

Michaels eyes bug out of his skull and he emits a high pitched squeal

Michael (in falsetto voice) I see what you mean!

Michael feels arms grab him and he is helped to his feet. He watches as a female ape walks between him and Thade

Ari: Really civilized behavior, Thade. Just what i'd expect from someone like you!

Thade (sneers) He's just a stupid human. Besides, what are you gonna do about it?

Ari: THIS!

Ari kicks Thade in the testicles and walks away whistling as Thade rolls on the ground in agony.

Michael (looks at camera) What charming locals! I think I shall enjoy my stay here!



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