Stargate to Pole
TITLE: Stargate to Pole
FANDOMS: Stargate SG-1/Monty Python
ARCHIVE: Anywhere, just let me know where it's going first and keep my name on it.
KEYWORDS: Humor, Crossover
SUMMARY: Using the events of Solitudes, Sam goes to look for help for her and Jack and runs into Michael Palin as he's shooting his documentary.
DISCLAIMER: Stargate SG-1 belongs to MGM and Pole to Pole belongs to the BBC. I'm making no money off of this. This story is copywrited Jan, 2003 and may not be altered in any way without the express permission of the author.
Sam looked at Jack worriedly as he lay beside her in the snow.
"Sir?" she asked, hesitantly.
"Carter. Go get help." Jack gasped out. "Don't worry about me."
"Sir, you're badly injured. I can't just leave you here." Sam said, biting her lip.
"You can and you will, that's an order, captain." Jack said "Now see if you can find out where we are before both of us freeze to death."
Sam stared at him for a moment before she finally nodded.
She stood and took one last look at Jack as he lay in front of the disabled DHD device. She flinched as he clutched his side and moaned softly.
"I'll be back, sir." She said. "I won't be gone for long."
Jack nodded and waved his hand towards the long ice tunnel. Sam reluctantly turned and began to climb up towards the surface.
They had both landed in the strange ice cave when SG-1 had come back through the Stargate after surviving a firefight with the Goa'uld that had caused Jack's injury. For some unknown reason, instead of returning to the SGC, they had ended up in the middle of the ice cave. Worse still, there was no means of getting back, since the DHD seemed to be frozen under a block of ice. Sam knew they didn't have much time left before Jack would die from his injuries or they would both succumb from the frigid temperatures.
Hoping that the Goa'uld did not inhabit whatever planet they were on, Sam climbed up and up and finally saw a ray of light hitting the snowy ground. Praying that there would be something to save them, she climbed through and looked around at the snow and ice that surrounded her on all sides. Sam slumped her shoulders as she could see there were no signs of civilization anywhere.
Suddenly, her eyes darted over to a large rock as she saw a man walking past it followed by what looked like a man holding a camera. Sam stared at them bewildered before she shrugged her shoulders and began trudging through the snow towards them as the man stopped and began to talk to the camera.
"HEY!" she screamed as she waved her hands at them. "HEY! Over here!"
The man turned and she could see him grinning at her. He beckoned the cameraman to follow him as he trudged towards her.
"Hello! I'm Michael Palin." He said, extending his hand.
"Hi! I'm Captain Samantha Carter of the US Air force. I need your help. I have a companion who's badly hurt." She stared at the cameraman. "What is this for?" she asked, pointing to him.
"Oh, this is my cameraman. We're filming a documentary." He said, smiling at her.
Sam was taken aback.
"In the middle of all of this?" she said, extending her arms. "What is there to shoot a documentary on?"
"Oh well, I've just completed a journey. I went from the South Pole to the North Pole and this is my last stop."
Sam stared at him.
"I see." She said.
"Well, do you have any medical supplies with you? My friend is badly hurt."
"Um, well, not with me. But there is probably some back at base camp." He said.
Sam's eyes widened.
"Camp, great! Can you take me to it? Is it far?" she asked.
Mike shook his head.
"No, not far. Just follow me." He said.
Sam nodded and followed Mike and the cameraman as they turned around and headed back the way they came. Sam looked around as they walked trying to get her bearings, she looked back at the ice cave and made a mental note of its position so she wouldn't get lost.
"Well, it seems we've picked up a stranger here in the middle of all this ice and snow."
Sam spun her head around and stared at Mike as he walked and talked into the camera. She stared at Mike, confused and then shaking her head, she continued to look around.
"Her name is Captain Samantha Carter and she is with the US Army."
"Um....Air Force." Sam said, correcting him.
"Air Force." Mike said, nodding at her.
He turned back to the camera.
"It seems that the military is down here as well as the scientific community."
Sam spun her head around.
"Scientists?" she asked.
Mike looked back at her and nodded.
"Um....how many scientists?" she asked, interested.
"Oh about 20 or 30, I'd say." Mike said.
He stopped for a moment to allow Sam to catch up to him, then resumed his pace when she was beside him.
"Really?" Sam said, intrigued "And what level of technology do you guys have?"
Mike frowned at her.
"How advanced are you?"
"Um, I went to university for awhile." Mike said, confused.
"Really?" Sam said. "They have universities on this planet?"
Mike stared at her with his mouth open.
"This....planet?" he said, hesitantly. "Um, yeah, they have universities on this planet, Sam." He said.
"So, what did you study then?"
"Wow! So, you know a lot about your planet's history, then?"
Mike eyed her.
"I guess." He said, as he backed away from her slightly.
"So, what about your defense systems? Are they good enough to defend this planet against Goa'uld attack?"
Mike's eyes widened.
"Um......What?" he asked.
"The Goa'uld. They're parasitic symbiotes that infect a host body and enslave it."
Mike stared at her with his mouth open.
"Um.......no, we have nothing like that."
Sam nodded as Mike stared at the cameraman. When she briefly looked away, he quickly twirled his index finger around his head. As she turned to look at him again, he dropped his hand to his side and gave her a forced smile.
"So, Sam, do you fight these Goa'uld then?" he asked, hesitantly.
"All the time. They are a constant threat to us and other planets." She said.
"Yeah, must be a real pain in the arse for you." Mike mumbled.
"It is. That's why we are searching out other planets to join our fight against them."
"Uh....huh." Mike said, inching away slowly.
"So, as a historian, do you know if the Goa'uld have ever had a presence on this planet?" Sam asked.
"Um, I hate to tell you this, but I'm not really a historian. I'm a comedian and an actor."
Sam's eyes widened.
"Oh really? So they also have the arts here too?"
"Yeah, you could say that." Mike mumbled.
"That's fantastic! We've been to a number of planets and this is the first we've encountered that have had anything resembling comedy and theater on it."
Mike glanced over at Sam and looked at the cameraman. The cameraman rolled his eyes.
"So, who's "we"?" Mike asked.
"Oh, well there's me and Colonel O'Neill, he's the one who's injured back in the ice cave, and then there's Daniel Jackson and Teal'c."
"Teal'c? What nationality is he?" Mike asked, frowning.
"He's a Jaffa from the planet Chulak."
Mike rolled his eyes.
"Of course he is, how silly of me." He muttered to himself.
Finally they came over a hill and Mike breathed a sigh of relief as he saw where they had set up their encampment for the night. Sam stood and stared at the airplane a few feet away as Mike ran into his tent for medical supplies. As he came out with a first aid kit, Sam pointed at the plane.
"So, you guys have airplanes on this planet?" she asked.
"Yes! We have planes on this planet." Mike said, shoving the first aid kit in her hand.
"So, you're human then. You aren't Tollan or anything like that?"
Mike stared at her.
"No, I'm just a plain old human. Sucks, really, but what can you do." Mike pulled on her arm. "Well, we better get back to your friend, so you can get him repaired and the two of you can get going back to whatever planet you came from." He said, quickly.
"We're the Tau'ri. From Earth." Sam said, as he and Mike began to walk back towards the ice cave.
"Of course you are, dear!" Mike said, giving her another fake smile.
"Thank you so much for helping us out." She said.
"Oh, it's no problem. I'm just here to help." Mike said.
"I just hope we can get the Stargate working again so O'Neill and I can get back home."
Mike nodded silently, his fake grin plastered on his face.
After a bit, they reached the ice cave once more and Sam raised her hand.
"You better stay here. I'll go down and try to help O'Neill." She said.
"Whatever you say." He said.
As Sam disappeared back down into the cave, Mike turned to the camera.
"Well, I must say that of all the people I've met on my journey from Pole to Pole, this woman has got to be the looniest person on the planet. She seems highly delusional. Luckily, for her safety, I have taken some precautions." Mike said, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a baggie full of syringes. "This is also part of the first aid kit. It is morphine shots for pain relief. Hopefully, I can drug her enough to where I and my cameraman can get her and her friend back to camp and back to the states where they can receive psychiatric treatment." He put a finger to his lips. "Quietly, now, as we go inside."
They went inside cautiously taking care not to slip on the ice and proceeded down the tunnel as they followed the sound of Sam's voice.
"Okay, sir, I found some people on this planet. I explained who we were and I was able to get a first aid kit from them." Sam said to Jack as she examined his injuries.
"Goody, because I'm freezing my ass off here." Jack said, wincing, as Sam touched his side.
"I still haven't figured out how to make the DHD work yet, I'll take care of that after I.....AH!"
Sam gasped as she felt a needle stick her in the neck. She turned around to see Mike holding a syringe in his hand.
"What the fuck are you doing to me...I demand to know why you've......Ehhhhhhh." Sam said, as the morphine kicked in.
Mike nodded to his cameraman who stuck his syringe into Jack's neck.
"Wow! I feel so mellow!" Sam said, with a goofy grin. "Fuck the DHD. I wanna just lay here and relax." Sam said, as she sat down in the snow.
"Yeah! Just lay here and relax!" Jack said, smiling.
He looked up at Mike.
"Hey.....buddy! How ya doing? I'm fine! I'm freezing my ass off, but I'm fine. Are you fine?"
"Yes, I'm fine and don't worry, we're gonna get you and your friend back to the states so you can get some medical attention."
Jack smiled at him.
"Groovy." He said.
As Mike gripped him under the arms and began to pull him, Jack stared up at him.
"I love you, man! I really do!" he said, smiling at him.
As Mike pulled him and the cameraman pulled Sam towards the mouth of the cave, Jack giggled.
"Wow! Everything is just spinning around and around. It's neat!" he said. "I could just lay here and stare at it all day." He looked at Sam. "I love ya, babe. You know I do! Come here and give me some hot monkey love, my little snow bunny!"
As Mike continued to pull, Jack began to sing, loudly and off-key.
"I'M TOO SEXY FOR MY SHIRT, TOO SEXY FOR MY SHIRT! SO SEXY IT HUUUUURTS!
(a few days later.)
"So, in addition to finding a second Stargate we didn't even know existed. The two of you ended up being sent to a mental institution." Hammond said, folding his arms over his chest as he and the members of SG-1 sat in the meeting room at the SGC.
"Hey, how were we to know the little shrimp was gonna have us committed?" Jack said, glancing over at Sam.
"Yeah, and I had no idea I was in Antarctica, sir. I thought we had gated to another planet."
"Well, it's a good thing this Michael Palin, his crew, and the scientists at Patriot Hills think you are a couple of raving lunatics, otherwise, we might have been compromised."
Jack glared at Daniel as he snickered.
"Well, in the future, Captain, be careful about what you tell people when you have no idea where you are." Hammond said, angrily.
"Yes, sir." Sam said.
As everyone got up and left the meeting room, Jack felt someone tap him on the shoulder. He turned and looked at Sam as she snickered at him.
"I'm too sexy for my shirt. Too sexy for my shirt. So, sexy, it huuuuuuurts!" she sang to him.
"Hey! I was drugged, Carter."
"Snow bunny, sir?" Carter said, smirking.
"I WAS DRUGGED!" Jack said, as Carter giggled hysterically.
"Good thing Apophis wasn't around, sir. He'd never let you live it down." Sam said, laughing.
Jack rolled his eyes as Sam walked past him, giggling.
"Laugh while you can, my little snow bunny." He muttered to himself. "Someday, I'll get back at you."
Jack looked back behind and noticed that Teal'c had been behind him too.
"Why are you too sexy for your shirt?"
"Never mind, Teal'c!" Jack said, as Sam roared with laughter in front of him.