Nervously, the not-so-brave Sir Robin took his place at the Round Table. He had been called there, much like the other knights, but for some reason he was far from comfortable.
Which was not only due to the fact that he was sitting on a rickety chair, many times mended and more yet to be if the Knights of the Round Table were to dance again.
And boy, did they love dancing!
King Arthur stood at the head of the Table, despite often-repeated reassurances that no such thing existed, but he was their King and the two non-sides of the table were of no importance to him.
He stood, raising the Holy Grail, filled with the finest wine of water and waited.
The Knights of the Round Table were nothing if not observant, which of course explained why they continued to go on about a pram no one ever saw anyway..
Yes, no men of greater common sense than the Knights of the Round Table existed. Such a shame..
Arthur stood once more, having grown so tired of waiting that he'd sat down again.
"KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE," he bellowed through the Hall of the Castle. The knights fell silent.
After a moment, they got back to their feet again and sat down on their respective rickety chairs.
Arthur took that time to catch his breath with a lengthy draught of wine. Soon he found himself under the table. Confused he looked around, where were his knights?
There were boots all over the place. Royal boots, with sweaty royal feet in them. King Arthur could hear his knights yelling for him; "Sir? Sir? Where are you?"
Ooh, he must be under the table. Great, well that problem was solved, now he only had to get up. With an apologetic smile King Arthur got back on his feet.
That most certainly helped, there were his knights again. All of them were looking at him in respectable silence.
"Knights of the Round Table," Arthur intoned again. "We are gathered here today to join in the Holiday Inn…oh wait, wrong speech." He cleared his throat and threw away the paper. Unfortunately he had a drinking problem, and he hit himself in the face.
At this point the writers of this piece were experiencing great trouble writing this stupid story and they prudently decided to get a beer!
[Author's Note] But I don't like beer…
[Other Author's Note] Oh, shut up.. And bring me a cigarette!
King Arthur lost his patience and then immediately ordered his Knights to go on the Sacred Quest for the Kingly Patience or, failing that, to get him a beer..
Puss pussed out of the doorway, carrying a very large beer. She bowed graciously and took her chance to make a note.
[Puss' note] I'm only appearing to bring the beer, then I'll leave. Somewhere in the story I'll be back.
Puss made a detour on her way to King A….Arg.. somethingthur... Whatever his name was, and zoomed in on the unsuspecting, yet strangely nervous, Brave Sir Robin. With a last wink to the knowing public she left the scene, only to return later.
[Author's Note] And just when you thought you were rid of her…
[Other Author's Note] ….. Poofter!
[Main Author's Note] We watched too much Monty Python. Sorry people… (To other author:) SHUT UP and GET ON WITH IT!!!
As the Authors are threatened to write more on this story, they hopefully get more ideas and actually make a sensible recovery of the..
[Main Author's Note] GET ON WITH IT!
[Author's Note] Sorry..
King Arthur was at a loss for what to do now. But luckily, or not so luckily if you're a reader, the knights still remembered what this scene was about.
"Speech! Speech! Speech!" they all chanted with the sole exception of Sir Lancelot. He was still searching for his idiom. It was a good thing that Concorde was already chanting `Speech! Speech! Speech!' along with the rest of the knights, because the authors fear poor Sir Lancelot would never have guessed what to say next.
"Speech! Speech! Speech!"
Immediately, all the knights, and King Arthur, looked towards the zealous knight, demanding a speech. Was it obvious, by the way, that by the time that Sir Lancelot had started chanting the rest of them had already finished?
The duly chastised knight sat down on his rickety chair, aided by Concorde, who pointed out the right one to him.
"Right.." King Arthur spoke. He looked around for a moment, then quickly turned around, brought up a paper, scanned the script, turned around again and smiled broadly. "It has come to our attention, that a grave breach of conduct," here, the yellowbearded King's face turned sober and some of the knights could be heard whispering to each other. ("Hang on, this is a serious matter.. Oh, well, blimey.." and stuff.)
[Author's Note] And then the Main Author got so upset for not having seen Eric naked yet anywhere within these THREE pages, that she hit me up the head and told me to get moving. *sniff*
The King's lips moved as if trying to decipher what was written on the paper, but finally decided he'd managed well enough and proceeded.
"The Knights of the Round Table have violated the `Dance' Regulations!"
Gasps were heard all around. Well, it was a round table..
"Why, my lord! What do you mean, we have violated the `Dance' Regulations!" Sir Lancelot had jumped to his feet again, the rickety chair crashing into Concorde, who yelped pathetically.
"Yes," Sir Bedevere spoke up, a curious frown barely visible through his barred helm. "What do you mean... The African or the European Dance Regulations?"
"Apparently," Artie Queens replied to his `intelligent' knight, "Both of them. And as such they have sent Puss along with this note to teach us how to do it correctly."
Confused, the Knights looked at each other and their king. Sir Galahad made a face and went, "Eeeeeeuw.."
King Arthur dropped the note and stepped away from it, dusting his hands off on his Golden Emblem™. Well, they looked clean enough…
"I'm sorry, sir, but I'm afraid I don't quite understand.. how is puss.. going to teach us how we're to dance?"
"Maybe they ..
[Main Author's Note] BRING HER IN!
[Author's Note] Arhm, right.. Bring her in!
Puss brought herself in.
She positioned herself in the centre of the room, motioning the knights to silence.
"Right, k-niggets! Some rules you have to remember as long I'm here!"
"First Rule! Nobody sings!"
"Second Rule! No sheep!"
"Third Rule! There is no Fifth Rule!" "Third Rule!" Sir Galahad shouted from the back. Right. Third Rule!
"Fourth Rule! Dancing only!"
"Yes sir, Ma'am!"
"And now for something completely different. I'm here to teach you how to dance. I've heard the dancing routines in here are rather dull, and over dated. Well…I'm gonna teach you some decent dancing. All get up!"
The knights stood up obediently. Puss started to walk around to examine the knights, only pausing and purring excited in Robin's ear. It made the poor not-so-brave knight shiver.
"Alright, show me what you can do so far." She motioned to the minstrels to start playing their instruments.
Puss was mightily impressed with both Concorde and not-so-brave Sir Robin, which had nothing to do with their innate likeness to a certain Eric Idle who had been harassed in the prequels of this sad excuse for literature.
[Author's Note] We wish to extend our thanks to the readers who are still bearing with us now, through this saad.. saaaad.. oh look, sheep.
[Author's Note] We wish to apologise for the previous Author's note and the sheep that were detected within. They were quarantined within the previous Author's message however and will not be seen again.
[Author's Note] Once again, our apologies, but the shee.. oh bugger.
Randomly, Puss danced among the Knights of the Round Table, and circumvented said round table rather nicely, making her way slowly and sensuously towards the other side, despite much protests of the Knights that no such thing existed.
To have a better look Puss climbed on the round table, pushing some knights of it occasionally. This was a hopeless task, none of the k- niggets had any experience with dance routines, they were just hopping around.
Robin stood in the middle of some wild hopping knights, quite close to the table. Puss only had to lunge forward to grab him, and pull him under the table. Her only target still was to make that wonderful loony cry out like a banshee.
"Waaaaaaaaaaah!" Robin cried as Puss sat on his stomach.
"Hello there, sweetie," she purred in his hear.
Robin started to wriggle under her, desperately trying to escape.
"Aah," Puss whispered. "You wet yourself. Must mommy help you out of your armour?"
Robin started to shake his head wildly. "No, thank you!" he said in high pitched voice.
"But you need to change armour, you're wet all over. Come here."
Puss started to undo the poor shivering knight from his armour, exposing his new knitted underwear with sheep on it.
[Author's Note] Aah, sheep!
[Other Author's Note] I thought the sheep were out!
"Ooh, poor baby. You know, I'm not only a dancing teacher, I'm also a sex teacher, and I see you haven't got any sex in quite a while. Let me help you."
"What are you doing?" Robin cried as Puss turned.
"I think you know. I know you love it. Remember this?"
Puss had removed Robin's knickers and started to sing:
"Sit on my face and tell me that you love me.
I'll sit on your face and tell you I love you, too.
I love to hear you oralise
When I'm between your thighs.
You blow me away!
Sit on my face and let my lips embrace you.
I'll sit on your face, and then I'll love you truly.
Life can be fine if we both sixty-nine
If we sit on our faces in all sorts of places and play
Till we're blown away!
All together now!"
The other knights joined singing. It was a wonderful experience to hear all the knights singing `sit on my face', including King Arthur.
Robin meanwhile lay still on his back, shivering and praying while waves of beautiful colours washed over him. Puss was only doing what she had aimed for in the prequels, she finally won.
In a last attempt to save himself from this insane loony, he cried out.
* * *
He wriggled and slapped around him, hitting Tania in the face.
"Oowwwwwww!" she cried out.
Fanatically she started to fight Eric, slapping around the face with a cushion. When he wouldn't stop screaming and slapping, she pushed the cushion in his face till he was quiet.
The peace in the Idle residence had returned. Tania lifted to see her husband's face which had a strange blue colour.
"Erm, Eric?…Breath Eric, remember what breathing is?"
She started slapping again!
Eric gasped, his eyes wide open.
"She strangled me." Then he looked aside at Tania.
"Aaaargh!" he cried out. Immediately he started slapping at her again.
"It's me! It's me! Stop slapping!" with one push she got Eric out of the bed.
"I think you had a nightmare."