TITLE: Puss: Return of the Loonie

AUTHOR: Wiwik Anggraini (Anja_Geenen@h...)

FANDOM: Monty Python


KEYWORDS: Monty Python, Comedy

ARCHIVE: In mine anyway, and where ever you send it to

SUMMARY: Eric gets kidnapped by a loonie, again. This time Graham comes to the rescue.

DISCLAIMER: Eric Idle doesn't belong to me, he belongs to himself, and same for Graham Chapman. I'm making no money off of this. I had a hard time, forgive me! This fic is copywrited May, 2002 and may not be altered in any way without the express permission of the author


It was unbelievable what happened, Eric still couldn’t understand it. Tania thought Eric was just confused because of the kidnap. Eric had told both Tania, and Lily about what happened. When he finished his story the two ladies just looked at him in unbelief. Now he was sitting in his study. Easy, and peaceful. Eric was also a bit curious to everything that happened online during his absence. He turned on the computer, and waited patiently.


A read beamer ray struck him in the face. Eric averted his eyes, avoiding to get blind. What was this? Eric felt how something seemed to suck him up, and then dropped him, he fell down on some soft stuff. Almost not existing ropes tied him down immediately, and quickly. A familiar voice started to talk.

“This time we do it right, Eric-babe,” Puss smiled mysterious. “You know, I hate to be interrupted, and I promise ya, this time no-one will bother us.” Puss was going for style this time, Eric noticed. Even her cloths were adapted to her newly adopted style. She was wearing a long, gracious dress. The dress accentuated her slender body perfectly.

She walked around his chair, an elegant, comfy-chair. Gracious, but again tied down. Eric felt Puss’ long, coloured finger nails playing with his short blond curls. “Dinner!” she decided. “What would you like to eat? Choose something healthy, you’re gonna need it…You want to know what I’ve got? I’ve got……Spam, spam, spam, and spam, spam, spam, and bacon, and spam!” She screamed happily in high pitched voice. Ooh, gawd, Eric thought, here we go again. “So, what is it gonna be?” Eric sighed, and decided to remind her he was vegetarian: “I’m vegetarian, so no spam for me.” Puss smiled contented: “Some cheese then, maybe?” Eric shook his head immediately: “No, I’m not going into that!”

Puss hissed excited while she played happily with Eric’s hair. “Hmmm, I could give you some other flesh, baby…it’s gonna be any flesh anyway…Ooh, and by the way, I’m not a vegetarian…definitely not…” she whispered in his ear. Eric tried to pull away from her. He wouldn’t let her win, just like that, but this time it seemed like no-one was going to help him. “It’s virtual insanity, poor baby,” Pussed laughed quietly. Her eyes were enigmatical as she stroked her long fingers through his hair. Eric looked around confused. This time he wasn’t tied down in a cellar, but in a room. Candles gave their soft light in a romantic mood. The walls were softly coloured pink, and they seemed to sway. There was something strange in this room, it seemed fake, some kind of virtual reality. Also the ropes seemed fake, but still, they kept Eric from moving. “You’re quite used to insanity, aren’t you, baby?” Puss had landed in his lap while she started to undo Eric from his cloths.

“Ah, it’s a virus,” a familiar voice said. “I know how to cure this.” “Graham!” Eric suddenly knew. He looked around him to see Graham, but he was nowhere to see. “Graham, it’s you, isn’t it? Where are you?” “Yes, yes, Eric, it’s me, and I’m behind your computer.” Graham’s voice sounded like a voiceover, even Puss didn’t know how to react to it. “I’ll get you out, Eric,” Graham assured. “Errr…miss Puss!?” Puss slid off Eric’s lap, and positioned herself in the centre of the room, and she folded her arms as if to show how powerful she was. With a nervous smile she started to talk: “Yes, Graham…So, you’re going to try to stop me? And what are you going to do about me?” Silence for far too long. Puss walked back to Eric, and sat back down in Eric’s lap. With an evil smile she slid her hand under Eric’s jumper. “Awww, hurry Graham!” Eric pleaded. “Alright Eric, watch this, I’ll get her…Miss Puss? Stop it! Stop it, miss Puss! It’s silly!!” Puss wasn’t one who could be beaten easily, and she challenged Graham: “And what if I don’t?” Also Graham wasn’t one who could be beaten easily, he didn’t give up, not yet: “Then I’ll say this to you…NI!”

“Aah, no! Not NI!” Puss cried out. She tried to hide behind Eric. It gave her an new idea. She grabbed Eric, and dragged him in front of her, using him as a shield. “Listen, Graham. If you won’t stop that, I’ll do certain things to dear Eric. You’d better bugger off.” “Now listen, Pussy!” Graham’s patience was slowly fading: “You’d better let Eric go, cause I can think of worse things to do to you. Puss seemed still not very impressed. “I’ll massage his back!” Puss was ready to do everything to win, Eric was hers. Graham understood Puss was serious, but he didn’t expect Puss wanted to go that far. “Massage his back!!?” he asked in disgust. “Yes!” the Puss hissed back. Graham sat down in the chair he was sitting on, thinking about the whole situation. He could think of only one thing to say: “You’re a loonie.” Puss’ face grew red with anger: “I am not a loonie!” she squealed. “Alright, alright, miss Puss…” Graham had to think of a solution fast, cause loonies like Puss were dangerous.

It was very silent, Puss waited was going to happen. She turned back to Eric while hissing: “You’re mine! I’ll posses you till you die. You’re mine, and no-one is going to steal you away from me.” “Graham?” Eric softly moaned. “Well, where was I?” Puss walked around him, letting her nails playing along his skin. She sat back on his lap, while her eyes fascinated followed her fingers. She pulled the jumper over his head: “Ooh, tied down arms,” she purred. Her sharp nails ripped the cotton of the jumper away. Eric groaned desperate. Puss let her fingers stroking teasingly down Eric’s chest. “You remember our first time, baby? You remember what I sang for you? This time it’s your turn to sing for me.” Eric groaned again, he was certainly not going to sing for this crazy bitch. Puss let her fingers slowly find their way down in Eric’s trousers. “This time I’m gonna get what I want. No-one is to stop me this time, not even Graham.”

Eric couldn’t believe what he saw: “Ooh, dear.” Puss turned totally alarmed as she heard Eric whisper. In unbelief they looked at the creature that was coming nearer. “It’s a Gumby!”

The Gumby started to confuse Puss, and he tried to get her full attention by only talking: “Well I think televisions killed real entertainment. In the old days we used to make our own fun. At Christmas parties I used to strike myself on the head repeatedly with blunt instruments while crooning. (sings) 'Only make believe, I love you, (hits himself on head with bricks) Only make believe that you love me, (hits himself) Others find peace of mind...”

It worked, Puss didn’t notice the man with the rubber chicken, she was only looking in unbelief at the Gumby. While the man with the rubber chicken came closer, Gumby went on: “Good evening. First take a bunch of flowers... (He grabs Puss) Pretty begonias, irises, freesias and cry-manthesums, then arrange them nicely in a vase. (he thrusts Puss head downwards into a suddenly appearing vase and stuffs her in wildly; he even bangs her with a mallet in an attempt to get her in completely) Get in! Get in! Get in!”

Eric looks surprised, and actually quite amused. It certainly was some show. Puss was getting enough of it, and pushed Gumby away. “Shut up! Shut up, you twit!” she screamed, the vase still on her head. She was so busy with trying to get Gumby away that she still didn’t notice the man with the rubber chicken.

The man raised the rubber chicken, and made it land on top of Puss’ head *FLOP*. Puss turned with big eyes to the man. *FLOP* And there it landed again Puss’ head. The Gumby got finally the time to release Eric, while mumbling: “My brain hurts!”

Puss tried to get away from the man with the chicken to get to Eric, and the Gumby. She screamed at the Gumby: “I make your brain hurt even more!” and at the man with the chicken: “Get away from me, you idiot!”

Graham’s voice: “Eric, fast, jump into that document!” Graham ordered Eric. Eric looked around, he first he had to get away from here. A door, he had to get through that door. “Alright Eric, I go to get you into another document.” Eric mumbled to himself, he didn’t know what to do: “Jump into that document. What document? How?” “Easy Eric, I’m going to help you.” Suddenly an arrow placed itself on Eric’s stomach. “Eew,” Eric cried out. *CLICK* Eric turned all blue. He looked down: “What happened, Gray?” “I selected you. I’m going to cut you out of this document, and then I’ll paste you into a new one.” “Ooh, right… *CLICK* Hey!?” Eric felt all strange, half here, half there. *CLICK* And there he was in a new document. Puss, Gumby, and the man with the rubber chicken were all gone, though Eric could hear Puss screaming in the background.

*zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzfffffffffffffffffffffffffttttttttttt* *FLOP*

Eric was back in his own house again, on the floor in front of the printer. He looked around confused, and he saw just Graham’s smile fading away.

The screen lighted up, and a mad Puss appeared, hissing at him while her eyes spat fire: “I may have lost you now, ERIC! But I promise you, I’ll get you one day!” *CLICK* And the screen turned off. Eric could just see Gumby trying to get Puss into the vase again.

* * *

Graham meanwhile was getting ready to leave the earthly activities:

Graham: This is the silliest story I’ve ever been in.

Writer: Shall I stop it?

Graham: Wait……(goes getting back his stolen lines)

Writer: (Waits impatiently, then starts writing again)

Puss suddenly enters the room, to steal back the lines. She creeps up…

Graham: (Comes rushing back, and interrupts) Stop it, stop it! It’s silly!

Writer: Alright, alright…