Puss

TITLE: Puss

AUTHOR: Wiwik Anggraini (Anja Geenen)

FANDOM: Monty Python

RATING: 18 (?)

KEYWORDS: Monty Python, Comedy

ARCHIVE: In mine anyway, and where ever you send it to

SUMMARY: Eric gets kidnapped by a loonie

DISCLAIMER: Eric Idle doesn't belong to me, he belongs to himselve. I'm making no money off of this. I had a hard night, forgive me! This fic is copywrited April, 2002 and may not be altered in any way without the express permission of the author

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It was dark already, and Eric knew it, this was the most stupid time of day to go to a supermarket. He grumbled as he dropped his car keys three times. Too much products in his arms, and a lot on the ground by now. Finally he had opened his car door, and he threw all he was holding on the backseat. With a sigh he looked back to the way he came. Several products were scattered on the street, he should have brought a bag. He walked back to collect all the droppings, soup, some tins…

A hand clapping over his mouth, made his head jerk backwards, an arm grabbed him, and started to drag him backwards, fast. Eric struggled to get free, but the arm was strong, and the constant moving, and pulling made struggling hard. To his surprise he saw long, coloured fingernails. A chap with long coloured fingernails? No, it must be a lady. Geez, if she was a lady, why couldn’t Eric get free? She was even holding him with one arm. One around his waist, and the other still around his neck. One hand held his waistband, the other his mouth.

She wasn’t only strong, she was fast as well. She had dragged him into a dark room, dark and empty. She dropped Eric to the ground. *THUD* Eric landed on his back. The ground was cold, and Eric lost his control. He sat there shocked, and surprised. His consciense was clearing slowly.

Up, he had to get up! He had to get away! He tried to stand up, and he landed again hard on his back. She had kicked him back, with one foot. With speed she tied him up to some thing, that sticked out of the floor. Eric was completely caught.

The lady stood in front of him. She was tall, blond, and slender. Eric was too amazed to make any noise, he just looked up at her. She smiled amused, and mysterious, with mean lines around her lips.

“Well, well, Mr. Eric Idle. Hmmm…” She walked around him, with those long, slender, and tanned legs. She was wearing a little skirt, and a short tank top. Her beautiful breasts were pushed up under it. Her eyes were some kind of green. “Mr. Python, hmmm…” she grinned, and came closer to him. She stretched her arm, and stroked Eric’s face with her long, black nails. Eric tried to pull away, but the ropes didn’t let him. She hissed softly at him, like a cat, while she started to undress him. “Nudge, nudge, eh,” she smiled. Her fingers trailed down his chin, his neck, to his pullover. “Shit! No buttons!” she sweared. Eric looked down amazed, no, no buttons. What was he doing? He already knew this pullover hadn’t got any buttons.

The woman stood back to think of a plan. “Aah, I just rip it off,” she decided with a wicked smile. She came closer to Eric again, pushing her lovely little nose against his. She looked him straight in his blues with those green, strange eyes. Her hands, meanwhile, grabbed two handsful of pullover. She ripped. Eric grunted his teeth as the cotton gave way. A glorious smile came on the lady’s face: “Say No More!” she squeaked. Eric sighed annoyed, even his kidnappers were Python fans.

“Can you, please, stop quoting Python lines?” She looked up at him: “Sure.” Once again she walked around him. Her slender hips were gently dancing as she walked. Her long, black nails stroked through his curly, blonde hair. She tugged gently at one curl for some moments, before pulling hard. She pulled so hard, Eric’s head jerked backwards again. “Ouch!” he screamed out. Her laugh was hard, and cold. She finished her circle, there she stood again. Her eyes sprankled as cold as her voice had sounded. Another wicked smile: “I made my Full Circle!”

His pullover was off, but he was still wearing a cotton shirt. He shifted uncomfortable on his back as the lady came closer. “Bye bye, shirt!” she whispered with a smokey voice before she ripped it off.

‘CRRRUUSSSHHH!’ the shirt did.

Eric grunted his teeth again, and sweared softly. “Ooh!” she squealed happily: “I think it is the trousers!!!” Eric looked at the lady in unbelieve, this couldn’t be possible. “Ha,” she yelled in triumph: “It’s not Python!” “No, I know,” Eric sighed.

Her game was still on, Eric was still tied down. She smiled wickedly again. She pushed her long fingers gently between the waistband, and the skin. Her fingers were cold, and her nails were sharp. She pulled slightly. She sat down in his lap, and tugged happily one of his short curls. “Hmm, Eric…It’s a shame your hair’s so short now. You used to have some beautiful curlies.” Eric tried to look away, but he had to look at her catlike eyes. They were green, and laughing wickedly. Eric kept his mouth shot, but couldn’t help a soft squeal as the lady pulled open his trousers quite violently. She stood up, and wiggled elegantly to Eric’s feet, where she grabbed the trousers, and pulled it off. “Oooooh, quite beautiful legs.” She floated down beside his legs, and let her nails stroke softly over Eric’s legs. Her stroking grew more insistent as she came up higher, finally leaving white hot trails. Higher, and higher she got, till she reached his underwear. “Privat area,” she whispered again in that smokey voice. She came close again to Eric, her hand in his hair. Her long, slender fingers played with his curls. She pulled it down slowly, and let go of the curls. Her nails over his forehead, on to his face. Eric gulped, the lady laughed silently. “You are one charming man,” her smokey voice said.

Her fingers were feeling her way down to more privat areas, while she softly sang: “Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis? Isn't it frightfully good to have a dong? It's swell to have a stiffy. It's divine to own a dick, from the tiniest little tadger, to the world's biggest prick. So, three cheers for your Willy or John Thomas. Hooray for your one-eyed trouser snake, your piece of pork, your wife's best friend, your Percy, or your cock. You can wrap it up in ribbons. You can slip it in your sock. But don't take it out in public, or they will stick you in the dock, and you won't come back.” She was almost hysterically laughing by the end of the song. “So, you’re happy with your dong, eh?” Her fingers seeked through his underwear.

(Jarring Cord, like in ‘the Spanish Inquisition’)

The wind blew around their faces suddenly. The lady turned in shock, her eyes grew wide as she saw who it was. “Pookie Pie!” Pookie Pie stepped closer, elegantly. “Ha,” she yelled: “Nobody expects Pookie Pie! Even not You, you dumb Puss!” “Ooh, dear,” Eric sighed. “My chief weapon is…errr…Ooh, well, never mind. I came to rescue you, Mr. Idle!” If she has to rescue me, Eric thought, I’m in great trouble.

Puss jumped up from her sitting position. “Well, Pookie Pie. Still not sure about your Chief Weapons? Huh?” “You think you’re clever, Miss Puss, but…er…you’re not!” “Well, c’mon then, Miss Pookie,” Puss said in a teasing way. Pookie Pie jumped up, and flew towards Puss. “Yaaaaaaargh!!!” Pookie Pie screamed as she attacked Puss. Eric felt hope falling completely. Pookie Pie wasn’t very much longer than 5 foot, while Puss was about 6 foot tall. Pookie Pie wasn’t as slender as Puss neither, she was actually quite fat.

Puss watched Pookie Pie flying through the air, with still that wicked smile. She stood aside just in time. Pookie Pie landed on the spot where Puss stood, only a few seconds before. “Who would have thought, thirty years ago, we'd all be sitting here drinking Chateau de Chaselet, eh?” Pookie Pie said. Eric, meanwhile, prayed that God would come down, and save him. He still couldn’t believe this fat, small girl had to rescue him. Hearing another Python quote made him giving up completely.

“It’s nice to see you, indeed Pie.”

Pookie Pie leaped over to Eric: “You’re alright?” Eric moaned, and sighed: “Yes, I guess so.” Pookie Pie pushed gently a finger between Eric’s skin, and the rope, and she pulled, trying to losen the ropes. Eric grumbled harder as the ropes burned into his skin. “Oops sorry,” Pookie Pie said. Meanwhile, Puss was getting ready for an attack. Pookie Pie smiled gently at Eric as she grabbed the knot. She wriggled a little with it. Puss suddenly planted her foot in Pookie Pie’s neck, and crushed her down to the floor.

“Oof!” Pookie Pie did when she hit the ground.

Unless her awkward acting, she had losen the rope enough for Eric to struggle himself free. Puss didn’t notice it, she was too busy with abusing Pookie Pie. Eric grabbed the rope and leaped it around Puss’ neck and pulled it backwards. “Aaaaaargh!” Puss screamed. Quickly Eric tied the pretty human Puss to the stick. Puss’ eyes were sharp and very green, she hissed angry at Eric.

Eric bent down, and lifted Pookie Pie on his shoulder. Out, they had to get out as fast as possible. Puss screamed at them: “Oh, oh, I see, running away, 'eh? ... You yellow bastards! Come back here and take what's coming to you.... I'll bite your legs off!” Eric sighed while he shook his head. Some fans were just bad, very bad.

Pookie Pie made strange sleeping noices as Eric carried her through the building. He was following the light. It seemed like Pookie Pie was coming back to consciense, so Eric put her back on her feet. Pookie Pie shook her head as if she shook water out of her hair. She looked up at Eric. Then down, from his feet higher up, back to his face. “You always wear so less?” Eric shook his head, desperate. “We gotta get out, c’mon.” Eric grabbed her hand, and pulled her towards the light. Finally, back to the normal world. He had only to find out how to get rid of this girl.

Everything went fast. Pookie Pie was suddenly gone, and Eric stood outside. Tania was there, suddenly, hugging him, and crying she was so scared that he was hurt. Eric assured her he was alright.

He looked back at the building, and he thought he saw Puss standing behind a window. Her eyes green enlightened, and he could hear her say: “I’ll get you for that!”