Subjects: Monty Python, humor
Summary: Mike and Eric play a little joke on John and Jonesy. A very
small reference to the "Itchy and Scratchy"
characters from The Simpsons.
Warning: Apologies to Terry Jones and John Cleese. I have much
respect for each of them and am just having a little fun with some of
known qualities. If you're a huge fan of
either of them and don't think you can take a poke of fun at them,
back now. I will ignore all flaming
Disclaimer: I am not making any money off of this. The Pythons do not
belong to me, they belong
to themselves. This fic is copyrighted
August, 2003 and may not be used or altered without the expressed
(Setting: A Python script meeting at Terry Jones'
house, January 1972)
telling you Jones, it's wrong!!"
'cos you don't know comedy when you see it,
the hell is this supposed to be funny, I ask you??"
IT BLOODY WELL IS!!!!!!"
looked back at Michael and rolled his eyes. Mike snorted. The two had
backed away from the table and were now
opposite sides of the doorway leading into Terry's parlor, where the
was being held. John and Jonesy had been going at it for at least half
hour. They had been discussing one of the
written by Michael and Jonesy, though it
written by Jonesy, hence his offense to
"how can it be funny?" comment.
told you once, I told you twice, and I am telling you for the last
time, Jonesy, we're repeating ourselves!" John said adamantly with his
across his chest.
Jonesy fixed him with a piercing glare. If looks could kill, John would
be instantly dead in the cold
ground. He didn't say anything for a
couple of minutes. Then finally he leapt
from his chair, raised his eyebrows and his eyes widened...
"A-HA!!! I've finally realized it! You're INSANE,
John!!" he exclaimed
with his mouth wide open.
beg your PARDON???" John countered incredulously. "You're
the one who gets up in arms when
you hear the truth!"
shut his eyes and sighed. He turned to
know, if this keeps up I'd suggest we mutiny," he said quietly.
a bad idea. From what I can see, I'm not
sure if they'd be willing to follow, though." He
gestured toward Graham and Gilliam who
were still sitting at the table, quietly observing the heated argument.
rolled his eyes. "What is wrong with those
shrugged. "Guess they're so used to
it by now, they've become numb to its effects," he grinned.
shook his head. "I am really
getting sick of this. I mean, collecting
Gray and getting here late each week is bad enough, but listening to
is enough to make me jump out the window.
Mike, you don't want to do that. You'll
give them the satisfaction of driving us mad and they'll keep at it,"
giggled in spite of himself.
both John and Jonesy whipped their heads
looked straight at them.
raised his eyebrows.
we help you, gentlemen?" he said sarcastically.
and Eric's eyes widened and they blushed, just like two little kids who
realized they got caught doing something wrong.
just..." Eric trailed off.
don't you two pretty boys go someplace else, tend to your voluminous
of fanmail and stop distracting us!!" John interrupted.
Jonesy laughed, which prompted Gilliam and Gray to
boys??" Michael repeated
and Eric walked out of the room toward the foyer.
like to think that was a compliment," Eric said wryly.
those argumentative bastards," Mike said under his breath. "It's their
fault we're so behind
I...." Eric trailed off. He glanced over toward the parlor where Jonesy
and John were still going at it excitedly. Suddenly
a grin spread across his face.
was just thinking...how satisfying it would be to have a little fun at
expense," he said quietly.
raised an eyebrow.
seems they're a bit pissed off that we are known for being 'pretty
was wondering how many Python fans know about THEIR true nature," Eric
are you suggesting, Idle?" Mike grinned.
put his finger up to his lips and gestured for he
Mike to go outside. They exited Jonesy's house and descended the front
have a Super 8 camera back at my flat. Next week when we meet again,
I'm going to smuggle it into Jonesy's house. As
soon as they start going off, the camera starts rolling," he giggled
dear, I reckon they'd be right embarrassed if they saw themselves going
film," he giggled.
not just next week, but every time we meet to work on the scripts.
We'll build up quite a collection of...er...material. Then
we'll present it to Duncan and see if we can get a
little program out of it."
raised his eyebrows.
serious??" He put his hand over his mouth to stifle the laughter.
Bitchy and Screechy won't know what hit them," he grinned.
I quite like that. 'The Bitchy and
Screechy' show," Mike laughed.
work on the concept, I'll work on the theme song," Eric winked.
nodded and waved to Eric as he got into his car and drove away.
following week, Michael met Eric as soon as he arrived at Jonesy's
house. He made his way up to Eric's car.
you bring the camera?" he asked.
nodded. "Yup, it's right
here," he answered, holding up a black shoulder bag.
are we going to do this without John or Jonesy
knowing?" Mike suddenly asked, concerned.
it looks like they're going to go off on each other, I'll quietly leave
room, or excuse myself. I'll conceal
myself in the doorway and start filming."
nodded. They made their way up to Jonesy's house, giggling.
was about to knock when the door swung open violently.
ERIC!! It's about bloody time you got here!!" Jonesy
Michael asked curiously.
ten minutes late!! And don't give me the excuse that you had to give
lift. because he's already here!!" Jonesy squealed.
furrowed his brow as he saw Graham already sitting at the table with
John and Gilly. He
gave me a lift over here," Graham shrugged.
Mike answered, a bit dumbfounded.
Eric couldn't hold back and he reached for the camera inside the
turned it on and aimed it right in Jonesy's
face as Jonesy screamed:
YOUR ARSES IN HERE!!!"
then stomped inside and headed for the kitchen as he heard the
off. Eric fought hard to hold back the
did you do??" Michael said quietly with an amused grin on his face.
aimed the camera right for Jonesy's face
as he was
screaming. I zoomed in a bit, so there's
a nice close-up on his face, I'm afraid," he giggled.
that would be a good lead-in for the first episode," Mike grinned.
nodded as they made their way to the parlor. They hoped they could get
through this meeting without bursting
meeting started off placidly, with each of the Pythons (save Gilliam,
gave some rough ideas of what his cartoons would be about) presenting
ideas for sketches. Close to an hour
into the meeting, however, Jonesy and John
another heated discussion. John started
bitching again that all the sketches were thinly veiled rehashes of
sketches, while Jonesy loudly defended the
and kept insisting that John was crazy. At one point, Jonesy rose from
sauntered up to John, and began poking him in the chest (not an easy
John had almost a good foot over Jonesy)
soon as he heard a slight raise in their voices, Eric quietly got up
the room. No one seemed to notice he was
gone except for Mike, who kept his head down most of the time so they
see him smirking. Eric hid himself
behind the door, just peeking the camera
around the corner so he could get a good view of the room inside. He
tried very hard to stifle his giggles.
the meeting ended and everyone got up to leave, Mike walked past Eric
raised his eyebrows questioningly.
grinned and nodded.
the next few weeks, Eric made sure he brought the camera each time they
met. Luckily no one ever noticed that he
had it, or that he had left the room.
to the end of January, Mike met Eric down at the BBC, since they were
present the material to Duncan and ask if they could make
a little series out of it.
I got four weeks worth of material on here," Eric said, gesturing
the film reels he brought. "Would
have gotten more, but at last week's meeting I think Jonesy
was starting to get suspicious."
have that, can we?" Mike grinned.
Wood, a tall, thin, middle-aged man, entered the room.
Palin." He began.
and Eric nodded and smiled.
understand you have some material you'd like me to take a look at...for
possible television series?"
nodded and presented the reels to Duncan.
is the premise?' He asked as he loaded the first reel into the
thought the Python fans might like to see what goes on behind the
Mike said timidly.
fans of John and Jonesy. They might like to see what these chaps are
really like," Eric giggled.
Duncan stared at him blankly. Eric
turned his eyes downward and blushed.
the projector started up, suddenly
a large, slightly blurred
extreme closeup of Terry Jones' face
front of the camera.
YOUR ARSES IN HERE!!!"
Duncan's eyes widened and his
eyebrows shot up.
turned and looked at Michael and Eric while pointing to the screen,
grinned and nodded.
Duncan watched the film intentively. Eric
and Mike were worried that he'd find the whole idea ridiculous, or even
for them, he found it quite amusing. He
howled with laughter upon seeing Jonesy
walk up to
John, angle his head upward and poke John in the chest, which caused
pull himself up to his full height. It
made him look like an angry cat threateningly arching its back.
second reel of film proved to be even more amusing. At one point John
picked up a Melmac
plate and banked it off Jonesy's
head. If the plate was made of porcelain
it wouldn't have been as funny as it would probably send Jonesy
to the hospital. But seeing some light
durable material bouncing off of Jonesy's
actually pretty funny.
another instance, Jonesy actually picked
up a chair
and threw it at John. It missed its
intended target and ended up only a few inches from Jonesy's
cat, which screeched almost as loud as Jonesy
could. When the physical abuse failed at
attempting to make them laugh, the verbal abuse more than made up for
it. John bitched about ridiculous things,
Jonesy's gut blotting out the sun. Jonesy countered
with a snide remark about John losing his hair. And, of course, nothing
could make up for Jonesy's
my God!! Please turn this
off before I spill a gut!" Duncan exclaimed between fits of
as Jonesy was about to hurl a glass
ashtray at John,
Eric stopped the film.
what do you think?" Mike asked, turning toward Duncan.
do I think? Do you know how long it's
been since I've laughed this hard?" the man answered, still giggling.
can't imagine," Eric said facetiously.
Duncan sighed as he finally calmed down. "I think you chaps have
here. All you need to do is come up with
something for the opening credits and something to lead in to the
footage. Do that for me and we'll set up a
and Eric turned to each other and smiled.
very much for your time, Duncan. We really
appreciate this," Eric said as
they both rose and shook his hand.
they left the room, Duncan looked at the two reels of
film on his desk, shook his head and giggled.
few months later, the Pythons were at the BBC, about to tape the
"All-England Summarize Proust Competition"
episode. Mike and Eric were grinning
knowingly at each other almost the whole time. Today was the day that
their new "series" would be debuting
and they wanted to make sure John and Jonesy
knocked on the dressing room door. He
entered and found Mike in his costume for the "Travel Agent"
sketch. He was sitting in front of the
mirror, combing his hair. He noticed
Eric and turned around.
ready?" Eric asked.
raised his eyebrows questioningly.
gestured out into the hallway and grinned.
grin slowly spread across Michael's face and he nodded.
wheel a television set out into the main room," he said quickly as he
Eric left the room.
found a TV set sitting on a cart and wheeled it out into the room where
others were sitting, reviewing their lines. He took hold of the
extension cord and plugged it in.
what the hell are you doing?" John demanded.
atmosphere here is a bit tense, so we thought we could lighten the mood
putting on the telly," Mike smiled.
rolled his eyes.
on?" Gilliam asked curiously.
feigned ignorance and shrugged his shoulders.
know. But it can't hurt to find
switched the television on and tuned it into BBC2.
an announcer's voice proclaimed, "The News at 10 will not be shown
today. And now we bring you a new
Bitchy and Screechy Show."
remaining four Pythons eyed the set curiously.
cutesy music began to play, over an alternating montage of pictures of
Jonesy with their mouths wide open and
angry looks on
their faces. Eric's voice sung...
bitch and bitch and screech
Bitchy and Screechy Show!
opening credits ended with a shot of Jonesy
a chair at John, finishing with a loud crashing sound effect.
and Jonesy's jaws dropped.
scene opened with a shot of Michael sitting at a desk, wearing a gray
tie, and with his hair combed nicely. He
appeared in his usual sunny disposition.
morning," he smiled. "This
program is for all the Terry Jones and John Cleese
fans out there, and we know there's a lot
of you. You've seen them as they appear in
Circus, in the "And Now For Something
Different" film, and even on stage. But, do you really know them as we
is this crap??" John exclaimed.
"Shh, I want to hear this," Graham addressed him. "It seems quite
glared at him.
the television, Michael continued...
man is an enigma, cloaked in mystery. For those of you who'd like to
get to know them almost as well
could, we have quite a treat for you. These secret bits of footage from
Python script meetings dated
1972 reveal Terrence Jones and John Marwood
Cleese as they truly are. Sit back and enjoy."
ended his statement with a quick little grin.
footage began with the close-up of Terry's face screaming at Eric and
get their arses inside. Peals of laughter from the studio audience
were heard in the background.
and Mike found it hard to keep a straight face, but Gilliam and Graham
Jonesy blushed bright
the camera cut back to Michael at the desk.
just another pretty face," he joked.
Jonesy ran up to the TV and glared at Mike.
YOU TRAITOR!!!" he squealed.
raised an eyebrow at him and grinned.
the show wore on, more footage of John and Jonesy
bawling each other out was shown, intercut
commentary from Michael. Nearing the
end, Michael explained to the audience how the footage was procured,
the cameraman to come forward.
dressed in a casual tee shirt and a pair of jeans, walked up to the
desk. He turned toward the audience with a
grin, and they clapped.
sir, as I understand it, you filmed all this footage?" Mike asked.
nodded, grinning widely.
right, mate. With me lovely Bolex Super 8 camera
here!" He held up the Super 8
sir, you've made this audience laugh." He turned toward the audience.
audience answered with cheers. Eric
smiled and bowed at the audience.
you deserve something for being responsible for such mirth. Therefore
we have something special for
you," Mike continued with a cheesy grin.
eyes widened and he began jumping up and down excitedly.
OOOOOOH what do I win???" he asked.
looked toward the camera with a slight grin and raised his eyebrows up
down. He reached into the desk draw and
pulled out a pair of earplugs.
very own pair of earplugs, to safeguard you from the endless bitching
screeching you encounter every week!"
and Jonesy sputtered angrily.
on the TV, Eric graciously accepted the earplugs.
thanks muchly, mate!! You're a life-saver!"
looked at the camera, furrowed his brow and silently mouthed, "thanks
studio audience laughed.
that's all for this week. There will be
many more laughs to come, so stay tuned until next week!" Mike
end credits began rolling...
Bitchy and Screechy Show was conceived and written by Eric Idle and
song written and sung by Eric Idle
by Duncan Wood for BBC-2
special thanks to John Marwood Cleese
and Terrence Jones
On Bitchin' and Screechin',
really! We need a steady supply of footage here!
BBC Colour 1972"
the credits was a replay of Jonesy
throwing the chair
at John, which ended in a freeze-frame and studio audience laughter.
leapt up out of his chair.
THIS RUBBISH OFF!!" he yelled.
have you guys gotten into?" Gilliam asked with an amused grin on his
simple, actually." Mike began.
'pretty boys' have fought back in their own special way!" Eric said
encourage them, Gilliam!" John snapped. He turned toward Eric and Mike.
you know what this is??" he asked excitedly.
and Eric glanced at each other and shrugged innocently.
is slander!!" John continued. "I can sue you for this! In fact, maybe I
and Eric rolled their eyes.
go ahead and do that, John. I don't
think you'll have much of a case when they see your mannerisms up
Graham suddenly interjected.
shut up, Chapman!!" John growled. "I can't believe you're taking their
off the drink so you can talk sensibly
this I'll need a good drink," Graham said wearily.
looked curiously over at Jonesy who was
back turned away from them. He finally
turned around, marched up to Mike and looked him straight in the eye
RELATIONSHIP IS OVER!!" he yelled, practically foaming at the mouth.
raised an eyebrow at him.
I reckon the wedding's off?" He said amusedly.
Jonesy's glowering expression melted and
lifted up into a smile. He started to
giggle, and finally broke into all-out laughter.
eyed him curiously.
know, there was a moment there where I wanted to literally rip your
off," Jonesy laughed.
continued to stare at him.
was all a joke, right? You wanted to get
back at me for treating you two so harshly that one time, right?"
looked warily at Eric, then back at Jonesy.
"Er...yeah. Right." He
it's not a REAL television program, right?" Jonesy
"Er......no, no it's not," Mike answered. Eric shook his head.
Jonesy smiled. "Well. You've certainly taught me to lighten up a
left the room, leaving Mike and Eric to look at each other curiously.
John just sneered at the two of them before
leaving the room with almost a campy bitchiness.
and Mike shrugged their shoulders and began to laugh once John had left
curiously opened up an envelope he had received from the BBC. It was
regret to inform you that "The Bitchy and Screechy Show" has been
cancelled. Two individuals who shall go
nameless approached my office with a grievance against the transmission
program. One in particular threatened
legal action if I didn't yank it from the airwaves.
again I am truly sorry.
Mr. Eric Idle"
snorted. He knew full well who the two
individuals were, especially the one who threatened legal action. Oh
well, better to have the show cancelled
than have to defend ourselves in court against Jonesy
Eric kept the two film reels, he thought to himself as a sly grin grew